What would happen if?
by KaRath
Summary: A comical look at some impossible scenarios on what would happen to Link in Ocarina of Time.
1. Chapter 1

What would happen if…

**Link could TALK?**

Well, we can all assume the universe would implode, that the stars would collide with each other, and YES, not even Nayru, Din, and Farore could do anything about it. Because the day Link could talk would be the day Link became a true MAN. There's only so much grunting could take you in your relationships, and your strong stoic glare.

Then again, there would be disadvantages if Link actually started talking. For example:

Zelda: Thank you for all your work Link. Because you've saved the world…

Link: (Yes, this is my moment… she's going to say she loves me and she's going to take me out! Yes! Score one for the Linkster!)

Zelda: I'm going to give you back your lost childhood and send you back to when you're twelve, where you can't use a Master Sword, can't use the Bow, and generally just get GG'd by everything, especially those Iron Knuckles that took three hearts off you if you didn't use Nayru's Love, because that's the way this game goes. Sorry.

Link: WHAT! BUT ZELDA, I LOVE YOU!

Zelda: … *Blushes*

And you'd get the general gist of where that's going afterwards. Well, let's just say he wouldn't get rejected, Navi wouldn't leave him and then he'd live happily ever after. Yay. But that's only if he did talk. Which he doesn't, and we should be glad he didn't. After all, you don't know what he's going to say next.

**Hyrule Castle had laws?**

Link silently walked behind the Princess as her attention was occupied elsewhere. It had been a difficult day for Link, sneaking past highly trained Royal soldiers who were taught in the mysterious patrol methods by the ultra-famed-master called… Shigeru Miyamoto. Finally, he had reached the final room, and he saw that she was beautiful, even before he had even seen her profile. Before he could grunt, she turned around in shock. There was a moment of silence, and then Zelda screamed "STALKER!" Link tried to say "no, you've made a mistake, I had to meet you due to a prophecy," but because he couldn't talk all he made was high-pitched Justin Bieber sounds. Zelda then kicked him extremely hard in the extremities, and Link passed out.

Let this be a lesson kids. IF the game had real-life laws that dealt with stalking and harassment, you're going to get serious jail-time. Fortunately, the game doesn't have any laws whatsoever, so feel free to cheat in the Treasure Chest game, steal dogs and run away, take horses and jump over a fence, or break all the pots in a room to earn money, or kill spiders. Seriously, what did the golden spiders ever do to you? They like, stay in one place, make a blatantly obvious sound and if you are STILL silly enough to run into one, it only gives you slight bleeding and no poison damage. So stop killing those spiders, because it's animal cruelty. Speaking of animal cruelty, don't hurt the chickens either. What did they ever do?

And let's see what other crimes Link has committed… theft, assault, assault with the intention to harm, alcohol consumption by a minor (I'm pretty sure drinking Poe is not legal for under 18's), use of illicit substances (seriously, heart containers just make him stronger, must be those illegal strength enhancing pills), harassment, the list just really stacks up against him. He better get a good lawyer soon, like Phoenix Wright, defender of the innocent.

**The mysterious helper/s?**

The God of Evil laughed in his throne. The only threat that opposed him now was Link, the brat who apparently had the Triforce of Courage. He would have all three pieces in place, and his plan would be complete. He would be able to enter the Golden Realm and take the power of the gods for himself. He would become a GOD.

"I'm waiting Link… I'm waiting…"

All of a sudden, a pipe appeared out of nowhere, and a mustached man with a red hat jumps out of the pipe and lands on the ground.

"It's a me, a Mario!"

"WHAT KIND OF MOCKERY IS THIS? I'LL MAKE SURE YOUR DEATH IS QUICK!" Ganondorf raged.

Mario responded by jumping up onto Ganondorf's head. Due to gravitational potential energy, and the fact that Mario eats slightly too many coins (gold is not good for the digestive system), he is quite heavy and does massive damage to Ganondorf's head. Ganondorf was dazed and confused. How could he lose to this short, fat plumber?

Then a toad appeared out of nowhere. "I'm sorry Mario, the princess is in another castle!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? THIS IS LIKE REAL 100 ALREADY I'M SICK OF THESE CASTLES. And how does he build so many? He must have a pretty good super fund. I better talk to him. Make sure the nest egg is well maintained you know?" And with that, Mario and the mushroom was off, and the pipe disappeared.

"The hell was that?" Ganondorf said, still dazed from the jump to his head.

And then Link appeared at the door, and grunted.

After defeating Ganondorf, the castle startling to break apart. "We need to get out of here!" Zelda exclaimed. Link used extreme eye signage skills to agree, and they both began to descend. However, there were many passages, and they did not know which one would lead them to the exit.

"Follow me, Fox!" A fox with sunglasses motioned at them to follow him.

Link and Zelda had to use turbo boosts and barrel rolls and extreme aerodynamic flying skills to evade falling debris and to ensure they escaped from the planet… err, castle alive.

"This way, Fox." A door opened and there were lots of ReDead. Lots and lots of them.

"Never give up". Link used his last ounce of magic to destroy the rest of the zombies and exited the castle with Zelda.

"Hey, where did the fox-guy go?" Zelda asked.

Link shrugged, but knew that James McCloud saved their lives. Wait, how did he know his name?

AN: I am so sorry for writing the last part, I know it is horrible, but I hope you guys get the reference :P  
DO A BARREL ROLL, AND RATE AND REVIEW! IF I GET ENOUGH REVIEWS, I'LL CONSIDER CONTINUING THIS!


	2. Insert witty name for Chapter 2

Yes, I am continuing this! Enjoy more completely (in) plausible scenarios!

So, what would happen if…?

**Link was a master hacker**

Ganondorf enjoyed his "me" time. There was only one person who fit in his mirror. No prize for guessing whom it was. He carefully used some hair-gel he received from his hair-stylist and made sure his flame-red hair was perfect. He had a meeting with the King of Hyrule, and Ganondorf needed to make sure that he didn't even hear about his plans. Yes, soon… very soon, the world would become his. But for now, he would wait.

Needless to say, the meeting went very well, and he managed to scare both the Princess and his (cute) boyfriend. Ganondorf didn't know what it was, but… they looked like a cute couple. He smirked. Pity that the Princess would never become queen, and most likely the child would never reach adulthood due to his plans.

So, on the day of the night the rebellion occurred and Ganondorf threw an aura ball at Link (or something along those lines), he inwardly laughed. A little ten-year-old kid, trying to stand up against HIM! He made sure he injected his botox. After all, he needed to be PERFECT, and wrinkles would be a negative image for the future ruler of this world.

Needless to say, Link was slightly pissed off at GanonDORK. After hitting him with an energy projectile, he had the nerve to just leave him there and not finish him off. How dare he! Link slowly planned out his way of attack. He made sure Ganondorf was on Facebook, Twitter, and decided on the best plan of attack…

Fast-forward seven years. Ganondorf had an iron-grip over the nation of Hyrule… or so he liked to think. Needless to say, those seven years would come to a grinding end…

When news of his "hobby" hit the Internet.

It was massive. ReDeads started puking and instantly disassociated themselves from Ganondorf. Their union claimed, "This negative imagery is not good for business. We will instantly leave the service and return to our normal jobs of hunting for the secret on how to create stable transuranic elements."

Skeleton knights and ghosts in the Forest Temple also discharged from the force, stating, "These facts are… hell, we're dead AND we're disturbed by them. We've seen the evidence, we all have, and we're not making ANY comment except that we're converting the Forest Temple into a Marketplace. So people can come and buy items at bargain prices and enjoy the atmosphere. We're even fixing the stairs, so you don't need to find a hook shot!"

The Tektites and Like-Likes in the Water Temple refrained from comment in regards to this revelation. They are too busy surfing the constant water changes in the Temple to be bothered with political matters.

Ganondorf instantly left Hyrule for the desert, never to return again. Although he thought he deleted those images… he cried for years afterwards, regretting the fact that the pictures EVER existed.

Link was a skillful hacker indeed. Ever since the age of six, he had begun trolling websites already, being extremely skilled in the computer arts. At the age of nine, he was asked to join the Royal Family's army as a technical expert, but he declined on the basis "there are too many rules".

He spent seven years finding every single fact, picture, and detail about Ganondorf's secret life. He came up with many, such as the fact that Ganondorf had actually failed High School, and that Ganondorf was originally extremely weak as a child and constantly mocked by the female Gerudo Thieves.

Then, by the age of fifteen, he had made a breakthrough. Firstly, he did hit puberty, so that was all good. He now sounded more "manly", which was what he needed to attract a certain girl/s. Unfortunately, he did have to give up his job as the lead vocal for a Korean boy band and as a famous internet singer of Justin Bieber's song. The Internet mourned, as did roughly 80% of high school girls (and guys), but they eventually accepted it and moved on.

Secondly, he found the "hobby" he was waiting for.

Ganondorf enjoyed roleplaying with toys in the sandbox. Yes, at the age of thirty-five, he was still cuddling up to his Pikachu plushies and Barbie dolls. Numerous pictures were exchanged for money. However, Link did get revenge.

AND he didn't even have to fight anything. He relaxed back, and decided to play his ROM of Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, laughing at the portrayal of him as a silent yet sexy protagonist.

**AN:** I hope you enjoyed this one, took me roughly fourty minutes to write… being a K+ fiction, I couldn't go into any more "risqué" stuff that I could have. About the K-pop boy band thing… I don't like K-pop and I don't understand the MASSIVE obsession with it. Hopefully I won't get bashed up by fangirls. Or fanboys. Whatever.

Okay, I'm considering continuing with this because it's pretty fun mocking one of my most favourite games. This one really wasn't focused on Link being an awesome hacker, but just making fun of current political stuff. (I really hate politics. Die.)

I'll try making it more "humorous" next time, as soon as I get a really good idea to run with. Anyway, I'll TTYL in another fanfic!


	3. The short but neverless impotent C3

What would happen if…

Link was a narcissist

After gathering all five medallions, Sheik revealed "his" true identity to Link. To Zelda's surprise, Link wasn't really shocked. All Link was doing at that stage was applying some lip balm and moisturizer before walking into the final castle. Zelda was slightly disappointed, because she looked upon Link in a much more favourable way…

But soon she was kidnapped and suspended in… suspended animation. Link had to destroy numerous generators and climb multiple levels before reaching the final boss. Ganondorf.

After seemingly defeating Ganondorf and freeing Zelda, Link took a compact out and inspected himself. He needed to look perfect. He then thought for a second, and then threw the compact onto the ground. What did he need to tell himself? He didn't need to look perfect.

He was perfect.

When Ganon rised and knocked the Master Sword out of Link's hand, his nails were damaged. Of all the! Link started getting enraged. How dare this lowly, ugly pig damage HIS nails!

Link ran up to Ganon and used his ultimate ability. Because I have no idea what it is, it didn't work, and needless to say Ganon laughed and cut Link.

Oh no, his beautiful, beautiful blood pouring out of his masculine chest…

**AN:** *Vomits*

IF LEGEND OF ZELDA WAS FILLED WITH MEMES FOR CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL

Link: Today, I will listen to some music while trolling the internet.

Zelda: Music? Don't you mean carrots? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Link: … Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's speech and see if anyone notices.

Zelda: Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's speech and see if anyone notices. *Giggles*

Link: Screw you Zelda. Not in that sense. And don't you dare play that game with me. OMG I JUST LOST THE GAME

Zelda: *Grins* don't worry Link, we'll go and do "that" in another fanfic. That's more appropriately rated *wink* because I accidentally someone else and I apologize.

Link: You what? Seriously, what are you going on about? I'm just going to over to my corner and do the Paffendorf dance.

Ganondorf: Yo Link, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish, but Zelda had one of the best o**-n****-s***** of all time. One of the best o**-n****-s***** of all time!

Zelda: Oh Ganondorf *blush*

Link: You know what, I'm just going to walk out and hope I don't see both of you for the next couple of weeks.

Link walks out, and guess who he meets. Gary Oak, who challenges him to a Pokemon Battle.

**AN:** I may have been pushing it slightly far with the sexual innuendo's, and it's not a really coherent part, but imagine Zelda doing a Kanye West on Ganondorf. "Yo Ganondorf, I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but Link has one of the best attacks of all time! One of the best attacks of all time!" I hope you will enjoy this part if you do get most of them :P

And that's it for this part. If you guys have ANY ideas, send them over.


	4. Chapter 4

Yes, and once again welcome to WHAT HAPPENS IF…

**Link had amazing regeneration powers**

The boss smiled, or would have if… a one eyed spider with no mouth could smile. Young Link was wounded and on half a heart. One more attack would kill him. One more attack. But…

Link had one special weapon up his sleeve.

Gohma laughed. "Foolish boy, prepare to meet your doom right here!" Gohma lunged at Link.

Link pulled out his secret weapon. "It seems you have activated MY TRAP CARD!" Light suddenly filled the room, and Gohma attempted to shield her eye from the brightness.

Suddenly, coins! THOUSANDS OF THEM!

And each time Link "collected" a coin, his health recovered.

Gohma screamed. "WHAT IS THIS? SUPER MARIO 64!"

And then a pipe, a star and a goomba appeared.

**Link used Stalkerbook***

"Alright time to see what Ganondorf is up to," Link said.

Link opened up . org and decided to search up the latest status updates that Ganondorf had posted. Link needed fresh information, and Stalkerbook was the best way to get it.

Link had to be stealthy in certain ways. No way was he going to be added onto Ganondorf's "friends" list if his name was Link and a photo of himself.

So Link had to be extremely witty. He let his online persona's name be… Neal. And his photo… he disguised himself with a moustache, so no-one could ever identify his true personality. Brilliant, he though to himself.

Not even Zelda herself, the holder of Wisdom.

So, this was how "Neal" kept up to date with Ganondorf's activities. Occasionally, he had some really boring status updates like:

"jst gt bck frm 5233x4553 ws g8 fn"

"ate pi was good"

"wk up an flt like doin charitee"

And so on and forth.

However, after stalking Ganondorf for an adequate enough of time through Stalkerbook, he was able to determine Ganondorf's movement, and decided to set a trap.

Ganondorf walked with his entire army up towards Kokiri Forest. He heard from a loyal supporter called "Neal" that Link was attempting to gather a large army to defeat the forces of "evil". He snorted. Evil was not determined by morals. Evil was determined by the ruler of the day.

His army of ten thousand marched behind him and they approached Kokiri Forest.

Link made sure everything was ready. "Is everything in place?" He asked his second-in-command, Navi.

"Everything's in position. We'll trap them in the chokepoint outside the entrance," she grinned.

Link waited until the majority of Ganondorf's army walked into the chokepoint, and then flipped the switch.

Moral: Make sure when you add someone on Stalkerbook, make sure you actually know who they are, and when they say something make sure you can trust them.

*** Stalkerbook is definitely NOT Facebook, the names are not the same. See?**

**AN: **I am truly sorry about the long but short updates, holidays have started and I'm starting with different stories - I might try a variety of one-shots, because currently serialisation isn't working for me haha XD**  
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